Crisis of Faith

I have just finished reading this rather long article about Mother Teresa’s Crisis of Faith and I must say that it is truly an interesting and enlightening piece. It is also quite humbling to know that even someone like Mother Teresa, considered as the most faithful woman in the world, struggled with her faith for years, experiencing relentless doubt and anxiety even to the point of questioning God’s existence.

For all these years, our mental image of Mother Teresa is this little woman bent with age but always smiling and lovingly taking care of the sick, the dying and the ‘poorest of the poor’. She was hailed as ‘the living saint’. Who knew that behind that was a suffering person in agony because of the ‘darkness’ and ‘loneliness’ in her heart and the ‘absence’ of God in her life. For all her successes and all the worldly accolades given to her, Mother Teresa was lonely and felt forsaken by her God, confessing to her superiors how she suffered from ‘spiritual dryness’ even as late as 1995, two years before her death.

Lord, my God, who am I that You should forsake me? The Child of your Love - and now become as the most hated one - the one - You have thrown away as unwanted - unloved. I call, I cling, I want - and there is no One to answer - no One on Whom I can cling - no, No One. - Alone ... Where is my Faith - even deep down right in there is nothing, but emptiness & darkness - My God - how painful is this unknown pain - I have no Faith - I dare not utter the words & thoughts that crowd in my heart - & make me suffer untold agony.


So many unanswered questions live within me afraid to uncover them - because of the blasphemy - If there be God - please forgive me - When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven - there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives & hurt my very soul. - I am told God loves me - and yet the reality of darkness & coldness & emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul. Did I make a mistake in surrendering blindly to the Call of the Sacred Heart? - Mother Teresa, addressed to Jesus, at the suggestion of a confessor, undated

I am humbled because I have also found myself wallowing in my own darkness and loneliness, also questioning God’s providence. And yet I am not really the religious type and I confess I would be aptly described as one of the ‘nominal’ Catholics – only by name, but not in actions or convictions. If Mother Teresa suffered countless years of doubts, anxieties, feelings of abandonment and darkness, I realize my own feelings of worthlessness and loneliness are nothing compared to what she must have felt. Then, who am I to complain and question God whenever I feel down and out, or when things don’t turn out right?

Somehow, it is comforting to know that doubt and anxiety are a natural part of everyone’s life, even that of Blessed Teresa of Calcutta. But what is truly inspiring is how Mother Teresa managed to spend more than 50 years of her life dedicated to serving the 'poorest of the poor' in the filthiest and vilest places on Earth. And she did all that while suffering intensely deep within.

She is indeed a Saint.

Choose your own Adventure

Back in grade school, before the world ever knew Harry Potter, some of the most popular books in our library were the ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ series. These books were probably on the list of the most read and borrowed books from the library right below Enid Blyton’s or the Nancy Drew/Hardy Boys series.

I used to read these ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ books. If you are unfamiliar with it, these were a series of children’s books where the reader assumes the role of the hero of the story and has to make choices that will determine his/her fate. The reader has to determine the hero’s next course of action by making decisions based on the choices given in the book.

The reader is asked to turn to a page in the book that corresponds to these choices. The plot then unfolds through these choices, leading to more choices and multiple possible endings. Sometimes, if the reader is a bit unlucky, the main character would encounter a rather unfortunate end (like death) because of the choices the reader made. Often, when the protagonist meets an untimely end in the book I was reading, I would cheat and ‘retrace my steps’ back to those ‘choices’ that led the character to his doom. I would then select the other choices, which turned out to be the best ones, and continue reading the story until I get to a satisfactory ending (or maybe until I get bored with the book). LOL.

That’s what I loved about these books. They were interactive even before the internet was as common as it is now.

More mature readers might scoff about this type of story format but, thinking about it now, those books really had some lessons to teach their readers, aside from the possible lessons found in the story itself.

Life is indeed a series of choices. These choices might either be easy or hard to make, but they always have consequences. In real life, as soon as you make a choice and consequences happen as a result of it, you cannot cheat and ‘retrace your steps’ or restart your life story somehow. You just have to suck it all in and have the courage to stand by your decision and face whatever consequences it will bring.

I have also made some decisions that I wish I did not do, or chose to do. Usually these decisions were made out of impulse. Some were made without thinking thoroughly about their consequences. I regret quite a lot of these decisions and spent stressful hours thinking about it. But ultimately, I just had to pick myself up and continue on to the next crossroad, the next set of choices and hope to make the right ones by then. As Eleanor Roosevelt said: One's philosophy is not best expressed in words, it is expressed in the choices one makes ... and the choices we make are ultimately our responsibility'